Euphoria

Euphoria - when was the last time I felt this sensation?
The awe inspiring creativity; the feeling where words burst out of you so fast that your hands cannot match the speed of your mind...

The magnificence of everything seems to dawn on me at this moment - the beauty of nature; the duality of the human mind; beauty of poetry; the comfort of a good friend; the thrill of an unknown place; hope for the future; belief in yourself; power in your vision, thought and deed; the need to be alone....

Walking over the galaxies... looking at the insignificance of the earth
Standing next to a loved one... marveling at the significance of a single person..

incoherence..and peace.

If I could live my life again....

A flight from Chennai to Singapore is not fun. Specially when two infants in opposite rows are having a screaming match. It's some what like a pendulum - one without a damping factor. All is peaceful for a few moments. The second I start thanking the fates for sparing me this time, the one in the seat in front of me start wailing. The one in the adjacent row takes the cues and starts going on at full volume at once. They are in perfect co-ordination. They take turns like they went for screaming lessons for years together. It sounds somewhat like this :

#1 :....Waaaaah

#2:...................Waaaaaah

#1:...................................Waaaaaah

#2...................................................Waaaaaah

#1....................................................................WAAAAAAAAH

#2...............................................................................................WAAAAAAAAH

Well, you get the idea. If only SJ Suryah had been on the flight, he's have made an amazing movie on how it was in the fates of these screamers to unite in holy matrimony later in life.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep, so I sat and thought about things. This process generally leaves me much more confused than I generally am in life...Since I was just coming back to mokkapore after an amazing week at home, I couldn't help but think.. If I had to make some decisions in life again...would I choose to leave home at 17 years of age and go to Singapore for my education?

I am very thankful for the taste of independence that I got at an early age that has made me what I am today. The absolute freedom to do what I want to and be accountable for my actions, financial independence, a very close circle of friends, new lifestyle and its consequences.... the list is endless.

But at what cost? It is only at home that the concept of unconditional love exists. I do not have t think if my statements will be mis interpreted. I do not have to worry if I will be judged on what I wear.

Every time I visit my hometown, the culture of the place, in all its glory and dirtiness, engulfs me and makes me feel like I belong to there. There is no dearth of good food.

At home, there is the luxury sharing everyday joys and tears with people you love (and the same people love you back!). Once back in my own world, the facade of the bravado has to go on, leaving a tingling feeling that maybe i grew up too fast?

The worst part about visiting home is the return journey... The sinking feeling in my stomach on the day I leave - the uncertainty of when I would visit next - would I ever get to live at my home again? as my parents' daughter and experience the nice-ities and the not-so-niceities of staying at home?

Yet, If I could live my life again.. What would I do? I am stumped. It would be absurd to say that I'd have been happy without my independence. equally absurd would be to say that I don't miss home or my parents and sister...Some questions just don't have any answers. Life just goes on....

Killer

Dear killer,

Please be informed that stinking is NOT your birth right. If I had my way, it would be on top of the list of criminal offences.

I used to think it was grueling to wake up at a set time every morning and travel to my work place for an hour. I should have counted my blessings those days, because right in the middle of my self pity, you arrived. Dressed impeccably - Except, your pseudo sexy perfume did not cover up your stench. You were leaving behind a trail of people in coma. Yet your aura of confidence, was astonishing. You chose me as the blessed one and sat next to me in the bus. My nostrils shut off. My mind started going numb. My lungs were screaming. If it were India, i'd put my head out of the window and risk getting hit by a heavy vehicle or tree branch, rather than suffocate and die. Sadly, LTA in Singapore enjoys inflicting all kinds of torture on people. They deny us sensible conductors, then they pack us in buses and trains with killers like you. Someday, I would like to write a book titled WHY? these folks, and of course, you would feature in it. I'm digressing!

Sensing that I wouldn't survive the journey, I politely alighted at the next stop. I am almost sure that the 14 people who got off with me didn't intend to get off here when they first boarded the bus.

Some senseless folks fix up meetings for 9AM. No doubts, this HAD to be one of those days. There was no way I could wait for the next bus to arrive (this bus deserves many prestigious awards for it awesome frequency of 'once every 35 minutes' during peak hours - that is an entire story by itself). I dialed a cab, paid extra booking fees, peak hour charges and got to work.

Please reimburse $18.90

"All the perfume of Arabia will not sweeten this hand. Oh oh Oh!"

When someone I love, almost a decade younger to me, tells me stories... stories of fun and excitement... my mind tends to rewind to the way I did things.. the fun I had, and the fun I missed out on.

When she speaks with so much enthusiasm... so much enthusiasm that I had in the past, the enthusiasm that is conspicuous in life now by its absence...

When her voice echoes with an unmistakable ring of pleasure in the present and thrill about the future...I am very glad for her...

I feel the high..

but once the euphoria dies, I realise..

I am a thing of the past

Why?

lack of companionship?
hormones?
general boredom with the monotonous life?
the need to be accepted by someone?
peer pressure?
too much time on hands?
watever

but why!?